Journey to a Town called Hope

As I look beyond the closed curtains of my everyday life,

The world outside looks grey and stark.

Fear and uncertainty rule,

isolation and disconnection pull me in different directions.

It’s easy to take liberty, freedom and independence for granted,

Many are now feeling the pain of lockdown.

Yet, I live in lockdown every day.

Every. single. day.

The lockdown was finite.

My lockdown is infinite. There is no ending,

I am hanging in a state of unbounded and unending perpetuity.

My illness leaves me in an infinite state of disconnection.

I’ve grieved for the life I cannot live.

I’ve grieved for the unlived life I cannot reclaim. I’ve got lost in hope for the life I thought I would live.

I’ve watched myself fade and shrink as my universe became so small

My world fitted onto the head of a pin.

The off-white magnolia of my four walls

Turned from home to prison without me even noticing.

I feel a profound sense of sadness and irrelevance.

I feel irrelevant. Useless. Discarded. Out of order.

The broken doll with a wonky eye and a missing leg,

The one that no one wants.

The one that sits on the shelf longing to be loved;

To be a part of life.

To be valued for what she has, not berated for what she hasn’t.

The world still turns without me.

The life I thought I’d have dried up and withered away years ago.

Yet, I’m still here.

I still have dreams, I still have hope.

Hope.

Even when the pain rips out my heart and soul,

And even when the depression makes the ground beneath me vanish

as I tumble into an uncontrollable spin,

Even then I still have hope.

Hope for a life where I can contribute.

Hope for a life where I feel like a member of the community.

Hope for a life where I serve a positive role.

Hope for feeling like a valid human being.

Journey to a town called Hope.

It’s not a place to visit, it’s a place within my heart and soul.

It’s a part of me. It is me.

Hope is the light that shines even when I’m lost in the darkness.

Hope feels like being alive and not being disabled by disability.

Hope has no stigma, no judgment. It’s inclusive, compassionate and loving.

Hope.

The world still turns.

Yet, hope has enabled me to find a way through towards my inner world.

Deep within me I’m valid, worthwhile and I matter.

Deep within me I have hope.

A Town Called Hope

See you soon